For the last six weeks or so I’ve been going through a very difficult time. I’ve had an insanely strong crush on someone from my growth group – a young guy in his early 20’s, I’ve been experiencing problems with sleep, and because of these two factors my mood has been incredibly unstable. I lost a friend due to a misunderstanding, and I spent a night in the hospital with a testicular infection. In all this, I have kept up with my devotions, prayer, listening to sermons, and reading a good Christian book, however, I have also been incredibly shaken and not really known what to do about it.
Then today, as I was walking back from the station feeling exhausted and confused, a verse came to mind:
“I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.”
(Psalm 16:8)
For me it was perfect. In this time my eyes had been everywhere except the LORD. I had been looking at my feelings, looking at my trials, looking at my status in life, looking at the lives and experiences of others, and unfortunately, looking at gay porn too. I was perfectly miserable in this state and I had no idea how long it was going to last, whether or not I would get out, or if the situation working in combination with my sins would overtake me and bring me even lower. It was incredibly tormenting for me.
At the same time I was able to reflect and admit that recently I had been very shaken. Almost every day I was crying, thinking obsessively about that guy I had a crush on, getting caught up in shame, and feeling very very depressed. I was a mess. But then when the verse came to me, everything changed. From here I was able to see things more from God’s perspective and realize:
- Blessed are those who mourn (Matthew 5:4)
- We shouldn’t be surprised at trials (1 Peter 4:12)
- God disciplines his sons (Hebrews 12:7)
- Our suffering is producing for us an eternal weight of glory (2 Corinthians 4:17)
- We are sorrowful yet always rejoicing (2 Corinthians 6:10)
All this, just from realizing that I needed to keep my eyes always on the LORD.
So I’d like to encourage you, if you feel shaken, either because of pedophilia or something else entirely, reflect on this verse, and to keep your eyes always on the LORD.
Thank you.