Alma’s Testimony

Hello, I am Alma Henriquez.
I live in the Dominican Republic, and I found out that I was a pedophile almost two years ago.

I was 28 years old. One night I was scrolling on Instagram and I saw a friend’s daughter photo and something in my brain lit up. Then I was filled with fear. Paralyzed. I was in disbelief I couldn’t believe this was me. Then things of my past made sense at that moment. Is like all my memories came to the surface. Represed memories. Evidence that these feelings weren’t new.

The first time I experienced these feelings. I was 17 years old, the son of a client of my boss at the moment and I were talking during the end of my shift. It was not until I felt the gaze of his mother that my mind woke up. We were just talking But feeling his mother’s gaze made me feel like I was doing something wrong or just being watched. I saw this kid as an equal not as a kid. I was developing feelings in that moment. In my mind I was talking to someone my age. And the kid was 11. After that gaze of his mother I felt so wrong. I woke up, and never spoke or saw him again. My brain literally hid this in the back of my mind for years.

Back to that night at 28… I muted my Instagram friend to not see her posts and started doing the same with everyone I knew or followed who had children in her feed. That day I died. Since that day I don’t go outside as much as I did before. I stopped playing a video game where I made teenagers have sex with adults with the excuse of “I like when women are younger than men”, ignoring the unconscious evil intentions behind that statement. I remembered that I watched teen porn on a few occasions through my 20s. Too many things started arising in my mind through this living hell journey of digging in my own memory how pedophilia was so undeniable present in my life. The time I was flirting and too physical with a younger friend. That lolicon manga I read at 18. After that night, I deleted the game and felt like a monster like the most vile thing on earth and still do. Suicidal. Everything made sense. I woke up. The amount of stuff I been done over the years my subtle behavior towards minors, how uncomfortable they may feel. Today I realized they could sense my attraction. I was a problematic person.

I was mad at God, I was mad at my brain for trying to hide this information from me for years. I felt cursed and alone in a world that sees people like me like the scum of society and I agreed. I used to hate pedophiles and now I was hating myself. I was filled with so much hate. I stopped going outside, church included ( I hadn’t attending for a year at that time). I didn’t want to be triggered by the presence of children.

But God just wanted me to come to the light. He was there all the time. Watching. He is so merciful it does not make sense.
God was saving me in time and I didn’t realized it at the moment. He want me to see sin the way he sees it. I went to his presence asking him to take my life. “Kill me” I said to him. I don’t deserved to be alive. I cant live with this truth. the truth of the monster I am. I started fasting. I was starving. I felt like an inmate. Hiding in my room all day. Not eating, crying. Hating myself. I felt like a criminal. “I’m not this. No im not like them” these people are sick. How ironic. How in denial I was.

But God has made me understand that I am not the victim of my attractions even though I did not ask to be born with them. And although now sadness invades me every day . I want to leave this world having done the will of God and know that I’m forgiven by him. But only with his strength and with his help. I can’t alone. No one can alone. This road is lonely and sometimes the measures I have to take to avoid temptation seems drastic and crazy. But I must understand that I cannot trust myself.

This is the most hard thing I have ever wrote in my life. But there is no way God can make you a new creature if you don’t admit your wrongness, how lost you are and how much you need to be saved. So He can restore your life and the lives you hurt or affected.

I tried so many ways to distract me to convince myself i wasn’t a pedophile. But it is better to accept it and getting the help you need. Because ignoring this condition can make it worse. I’m different, my brain is different. The care, the precautions, and the lifestyle has to be different. No matter if others don’t understand. God understands. He understands.

God I cant wait to see your face.

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